I had bought an at home doppler from a friend of mine so that I could listen to the baby's heartbeat at home whenever I wanted to and help ease my mind. It usually did the trick even though it often took a few minutes to find the heartbeat. I used the doppler almost daily to calm my fears about losing him.
On the Saturday following my appointment I got out of the shower and grabbed the doppler to listen to baby. I moved the wand all around my belly for about 15-20 minutes and heard nothing. At that moment, I knew he was gone. I tried to convince myself that maybe he was just "hiding" and I was having trouble locating the heartbeat, but deep down, I knew.
I waited an hour and tried again. Silence.
I tried again a few hours later. Nothing.
Finally at 5pm I broke down and told my husband what was going on and he assured me I was just being paranoid and everything was going to be just fine. I told him that I had to know for sure so we went to the ER that night. I wouldn't have gotten any sleep not knowing (not that I got any sleep as it is).
Walking into the hospital, Josh grabbed my hand and I'll never forget what he said, "No matter what happens, we will be okay. I will be here for you." It was as if he knew, just by looking at me. He knew that I knew.
We got inside and while I know my situation was not "emergent" I hoped I was still treated respectfully. The triage nurse was nothing close to that. She said even if it was a loss, they can't do anything. I reminded her of my previous losses and that I just needed to know.
Two doctors tried to find the heartbeat with the doppler and finally ordered the ultrasound. Even though I knew he was gone, there was just a glimmer of hope in me that by some miracle, some act of a God I don't even believe in. But there was nothing. My beautiful baby boy was just lying there inside of me; lifeless. The ultrasound tech was speechless and I knew looking at the screen. No movement, no heartbeat. He was gone. Dead.
Josh held me and we cried together. Our sweet baby.
We would not be bringing him home.
About Me
- Bethany
- I am modern mom to two wonderful boys. I am married to my childhood sweetheart and love of my life. I am on a journey to wellness in my personal life and for my family as well. Why I Blog: I have found that writing in general is very freeing for me. I enjoy writing and the idea that other people are reading what I'm writing moves me. If even just ONE thing I post touches, moves, or helps another human in ways that I have been touched by bloggers, I am pleased. Blogging is my release. And once it's out there, it's free for anyone and everyone.
Wow, it could be me writing this blog. It is almost exactly what happened to us, down to the uncaring ER nurse. I cried reading this because I do know exactly how you feel. I am SO VERY SORRY you had to go through what I did. Positive vibes coming your way.
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