About Me

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I am modern mom to two wonderful boys. I am married to my childhood sweetheart and love of my life. I am on a journey to wellness in my personal life and for my family as well. Why I Blog: I have found that writing in general is very freeing for me. I enjoy writing and the idea that other people are reading what I'm writing moves me. If even just ONE thing I post touches, moves, or helps another human in ways that I have been touched by bloggers, I am pleased. Blogging is my release. And once it's out there, it's free for anyone and everyone.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Due Dates

Today is the day that I was due with Adley, 1 year ago.  He would have been 1 year old today. Such a milestone.  I often try to imagine what he might look like. Would he look like his brothers?  Would he have blonde curls like Elliot did at that age, or would he have fine, dark hair like Jack?  I know he would be a pudgy baby, as both of the boys were.

In 5 days, I will be thinking the same things, only about my other lost baby.  The one that is harder to talk about.  We named the baby Willow.  I had a feeling that she was a girl, but I don't know.  Since I was just 15 weeks and didn't get a chance to find out, it's harder to imagine.  I know that without Adley, Willow wouldn't have happened.  And vice versa.  It is such an odd feeling, though.  I wanted both of them.  I wish they both could have lived.  I won't ever understand why, but hopefully, someday I will be able to accept it.  

Friday, April 19, 2013

Good days and bad days

So much has happened since my last post.  I hate when I take time off from blogging because it feels like I'm trying to cram everything into one post once I finally decide to write.  I haven't written in over 3 months.  I know I feel better when I write or blog but blogging also makes me FEEL my feelings.  And sometimes I just don't want to feel them.  Sometimes I don't want to feel anything.  I think of how fantastic it would feel to be able to just stay in bed and watch primetime TV all day.  I'm normally not one for watching TV much but it would feel so....boring.  Which sounds so.... pleasant.

Some days.

It's hard to figure out which days are good and which are bad.  Sometimes the days that are the best are the days when I've forgotten about everything that has happened; that is until I realize I haven't thought of my babies all day.  And I feel guilty for "forgetting".  I know I'm not actually forgetting. I'm logical in that sense.  It's a fine line to walk, though.

And then there are times when my "good days" are when all I do is listen to melancholy music all day and think about my babies and my life.  And even though it makes me sad and angry and frustrated, it's a "good" day.  I want to feel those feelings.  I need to feel them.  And that is a hard concept for many to grasp. People want me to be happy again. They want me to move on.

But how?  How do I move and still miss my babies who are gone?