About Me

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I am modern mom to two wonderful boys. I am married to my childhood sweetheart and love of my life. I am on a journey to wellness in my personal life and for my family as well. Why I Blog: I have found that writing in general is very freeing for me. I enjoy writing and the idea that other people are reading what I'm writing moves me. If even just ONE thing I post touches, moves, or helps another human in ways that I have been touched by bloggers, I am pleased. Blogging is my release. And once it's out there, it's free for anyone and everyone.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Utter Devastation

I had bought an at home doppler from a friend of mine so that I could listen to the baby's heartbeat at home whenever I wanted to and help ease my mind.  It usually did the trick even though it often took a few minutes to find the heartbeat.  I used the doppler almost daily to calm my fears about losing him.

On the Saturday following my appointment I got out of the shower and grabbed the doppler to listen to baby.  I moved the wand all around my belly for about 15-20 minutes and heard nothing.  At that moment, I knew he was gone.  I tried to convince myself that maybe he was just "hiding" and I was having trouble locating the heartbeat, but deep down, I knew. 

I waited an hour and tried again.  Silence. 

I tried again a few hours later.  Nothing.

Finally at 5pm I broke down and told my husband what was going on and he assured me I was just being paranoid and everything was going to be just fine.  I told him that I had to know for sure so we went to the ER that night.  I wouldn't have gotten any sleep not knowing (not that I got any sleep as it is).

Walking into the hospital, Josh grabbed my hand and I'll never forget what he said, "No matter what happens, we will be okay. I will be here for you."  It was as if he knew, just by looking at me.  He knew that I knew.

We got inside and while I know my situation was not "emergent" I hoped I was still treated respectfully.  The triage nurse was nothing close to that.  She said even if it was a loss, they can't do anything.  I reminded her of my previous losses and that I just needed to know.

Two doctors tried to find the heartbeat with the doppler and finally ordered the ultrasound. Even though I knew he was gone,  there was just a glimmer of hope in me that by some miracle, some act of a God I don't even believe in.  But there was nothing.  My beautiful baby boy was just lying there inside of me; lifeless.  The ultrasound tech was speechless and I knew looking at the screen.  No movement, no heartbeat.  He was gone.  Dead. 

Josh held me and we cried together.  Our sweet baby.

We would not be bringing him home.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Scared Shi*less

When I found out I was pregnant I was shocked, scared, anxious, excited and any other feelings you can use to describe someone who has no idea what just happened.

Josh and I had always wanted at least 4 children.  I knew that by doing surrogacy I was taking the chance that I might never have any other children of my own, biologically.  And I really was happy with this decision no matter what happened, but I knew there was still a possibility of our own in the future.  I just didn't plan on it happening so soon! 

Since I had just gone through a horrific experience with the surrogacy I was not really prepared or ready to take on what this pregnancy might bring.  But I went ahead and made an appointment with my doctor and confirmed that I was indeed pregnant with a due date of April 29th.  At first I was a little scared but things started to feel okay.  I had the usual symptoms I had previously had with my boys pregnancies.  During a routine 6 week ultrasound, the technician mentioned that I had a SCH (sub-chorionic hemmorhage).  She said it's usually nothing and that my doctor would talk to me about it.  My doctor did call and mention it and said it was very common.  This did not ease my mind.  From that moment on, I just knew I would not be bringing home this baby.

I didn't tell many people about me being pregnant because I just knew that I would have to "untell" them, when it happened.  I made it to 12 weeks just fine, had an appointment and heard a nice strong heartbeat.  My fears were somewhat relieved but not entirely.  I still didn't feel right about it and I just couldn't picture a future with this baby.

When I had my 16 week appointment I was prepared for the worst.  16 weeks is when I lost the previous baby, the surrobabe.  I hopped up on the table and awaited the sound on the doppler and much to my surprise THERE IT WAS!  The beautiful sound of his heart beating.  My mind eased some more and I started to think maybe it really WAS all in my head and I WOULD be bringing home a baby!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

My surrogacy journey in a nutshell


I think I'm ready to commit to this blog.

It has taken me some time to come to terms with all of the things that have happened up until this point in my life; and day by day things just seem to get more and more interesting.

I will try to give a small backstory of what has brought me to this blog.

In 2007 I gave birth to a beautiful boy.  Jack is our first son and my labor, whilst difficult, was amazing.  Things went exactly how I had "planned" (I was one of the lucky ones) and it felt great to start our family.  Fast forward to 2008.  I found out I was pregnant again just after Jack turned 1 year old in November.  Elliot was born in August 2009; another boy!!  I was elated.  I knew I had wanted at least 2 boys.  At that moment in my life, things felt great.  I loved being pregnant and giving birth and it was truly a passion of mine.  Another thing I felt very passionately about was infertility.  I was so fortunate to had not had any problems conceiving when I wanted to start my family.

After Elliot had turned 1 year old, I longed to be pregnant again, but I didn't necessarily want to add to my family size at that time in my life.  I looked closely at surrogacy and after months of research I decided to contact a surrogacy agency.  I met an amazing couple through the agency and we were the perfect match.  In November 2010 we transferred 2 embryoes into my uterus.  A positive pregnancy and beta test showed that we were pregnant!  The dad's (intended parents) were overjoyed!  Their dream to add to their family had come true.

In Februrary 2011 I went to my Dr for my 16 week appointment and was devastated to find that the baby had passed.  This begins the road of horrific events for me and my IP's.  I broke the news to them and it shattered their dreams.  (You can read the entire journey on my blog about being a surrogate here.)  I went in for an induction and spent hours waiting to give birth.  Jonathan was born on February 12th, 2011 at 16 weeks.  We never found out what happened or why he died.

After some time of healing for both the IP's and myself, we decided to try again.  It must have been a fluke, right?  It couldn't have been me; I have given birth TWICE to two completely healthy boys.

In May 2011 we did another transfer of 2 embryoes.  Another positive pregnancy test and beta confirmed pregnancy and the joy rushed over us all yet again.  They got their second chance at being a family.

The joy didn't last long when I started spotting and the beta numbers were increasing but only slightly.  At 7 weeks I finally saw a decrease in the beta numbers and I began to miscarry.  At this point, I knew I was done with surrogacy.  My heart and my body needed a break.  I was sad to part ways with my new found friends with whom I'd become very close.  I knew they would have to start over and find a whole new surrogate, but I just couldn't do it again.  I was devastated for them and for me.  But I knew it was over for us all.

I had come to terms with not being a surrogate again but I was sad to lose my friends and more sad that I couldn't help them out in the only way I knew possible for me.  I put all of that aside and began to focus more on finish my schooling.  Things were going really great and then in August 2011, I recieved some news that was hard to swallow but so exciting.....

I was pregnant!