About Me

My photo
I am modern mom to two wonderful boys. I am married to my childhood sweetheart and love of my life. I am on a journey to wellness in my personal life and for my family as well. Why I Blog: I have found that writing in general is very freeing for me. I enjoy writing and the idea that other people are reading what I'm writing moves me. If even just ONE thing I post touches, moves, or helps another human in ways that I have been touched by bloggers, I am pleased. Blogging is my release. And once it's out there, it's free for anyone and everyone.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Utter Devastation

I had bought an at home doppler from a friend of mine so that I could listen to the baby's heartbeat at home whenever I wanted to and help ease my mind.  It usually did the trick even though it often took a few minutes to find the heartbeat.  I used the doppler almost daily to calm my fears about losing him.

On the Saturday following my appointment I got out of the shower and grabbed the doppler to listen to baby.  I moved the wand all around my belly for about 15-20 minutes and heard nothing.  At that moment, I knew he was gone.  I tried to convince myself that maybe he was just "hiding" and I was having trouble locating the heartbeat, but deep down, I knew. 

I waited an hour and tried again.  Silence. 

I tried again a few hours later.  Nothing.

Finally at 5pm I broke down and told my husband what was going on and he assured me I was just being paranoid and everything was going to be just fine.  I told him that I had to know for sure so we went to the ER that night.  I wouldn't have gotten any sleep not knowing (not that I got any sleep as it is).

Walking into the hospital, Josh grabbed my hand and I'll never forget what he said, "No matter what happens, we will be okay. I will be here for you."  It was as if he knew, just by looking at me.  He knew that I knew.

We got inside and while I know my situation was not "emergent" I hoped I was still treated respectfully.  The triage nurse was nothing close to that.  She said even if it was a loss, they can't do anything.  I reminded her of my previous losses and that I just needed to know.

Two doctors tried to find the heartbeat with the doppler and finally ordered the ultrasound. Even though I knew he was gone,  there was just a glimmer of hope in me that by some miracle, some act of a God I don't even believe in.  But there was nothing.  My beautiful baby boy was just lying there inside of me; lifeless.  The ultrasound tech was speechless and I knew looking at the screen.  No movement, no heartbeat.  He was gone.  Dead. 

Josh held me and we cried together.  Our sweet baby.

We would not be bringing him home.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, it could be me writing this blog. It is almost exactly what happened to us, down to the uncaring ER nurse. I cried reading this because I do know exactly how you feel. I am SO VERY SORRY you had to go through what I did. Positive vibes coming your way.