I had bought an at home doppler from a friend of mine so that I could listen to the baby's heartbeat at home whenever I wanted to and help ease my mind. It usually did the trick even though it often took a few minutes to find the heartbeat. I used the doppler almost daily to calm my fears about losing him.
On the Saturday following my appointment I got out of the shower and grabbed the doppler to listen to baby. I moved the wand all around my belly for about 15-20 minutes and heard nothing. At that moment, I knew he was gone. I tried to convince myself that maybe he was just "hiding" and I was having trouble locating the heartbeat, but deep down, I knew.
I waited an hour and tried again. Silence.
I tried again a few hours later. Nothing.
Finally at 5pm I broke down and told my husband what was going on and he assured me I was just being paranoid and everything was going to be just fine. I told him that I had to know for sure so we went to the ER that night. I wouldn't have gotten any sleep not knowing (not that I got any sleep as it is).
Walking into the hospital, Josh grabbed my hand and I'll never forget what he said, "No matter what happens, we will be okay. I will be here for you." It was as if he knew, just by looking at me. He knew that I knew.
We got inside and while I know my situation was not "emergent" I hoped I was still treated respectfully. The triage nurse was nothing close to that. She said even if it was a loss, they can't do anything. I reminded her of my previous losses and that I just needed to know.
Two doctors tried to find the heartbeat with the doppler and finally ordered the ultrasound. Even though I knew he was gone, there was just a glimmer of hope in me that by some miracle, some act of a God I don't even believe in. But there was nothing. My beautiful baby boy was just lying there inside of me; lifeless. The ultrasound tech was speechless and I knew looking at the screen. No movement, no heartbeat. He was gone. Dead.
Josh held me and we cried together. Our sweet baby.
We would not be bringing him home.
- I am modern mom to two wonderful boys. I am married to my childhood sweetheart and love of my life. I am on a journey to wellness in my personal life and for my family as well. Why I Blog: I have found that writing in general is very freeing for me. I enjoy writing and the idea that other people are reading what I'm writing moves me. If even just ONE thing I post touches, moves, or helps another human in ways that I have been touched by bloggers, I am pleased. Blogging is my release. And once it's out there, it's free for anyone and everyone.