50 shades of fucked up

I don't even know how to start this post.  If you've been reading my posts and following along, you can probably understand how crazy, fucked up and confusing this all is.  Warning: It's about to get a thousand times more fucked.  Bare with me, or just stop reading.  That might be a better option at this point.

My last post was explaining what happened to me a year ago when we lost our sweet baby Adley at 16 weeks.  If you followed my surrogacy blog you can go back to the post titled: "Misoprostal to induce Miscarriage" and basically understand that I went through that same exact experience again.  I don't want to type it all out and re-live it because that shit was hard enough once, let alone TWICE!  To make a very long story short: I was induced in the hospital and endured REAL labor and birthed Adley on November 16th, 2011.

In January 2012, I went to my 6 week check up (you know, the one you have 6 weeks after giving birth where all of the nurses are swooning over your 6 week old at how adorable he is and how he looks JUST like you, only I didn't have a 6 week old to bring for swooning).  I requested an IUD at that time because I knew I didn't want to be pregnant again anytime soon, if at all!  I decided on the copper IUD as it wasn't hormonal and I'm sort of a freak about added hormones in my body.  (I get kind of crazy on hormonal birth control.)  But 3 days after my doctor placed the IUD, it fell out!  Yep.  Just came right out.  WTF?  I thought that didn't happen?  My uterus is pretty hostile or something.  I didn't want to get another one (it really hurt getting it put in), so in the meantime I just chose to use condoms and natural family planning methods (because we all know how well THOSE work out!!).  Well, my method worked for a little while, until July this year.

I found out I was pregnant, yet again.  Only this time I wasn't that excited.  How could I be?!  I didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy, except of course my husband and the ninja's. (The ninja's are explained here.)  I didn't let myself get happy, excited, prepared or feel anything other than fear and expecting of the worst.  I had to protect myself.  I really had a great feeling about this pregnancy way, way deep down.  I thought MAYBE I would actually get to bring this baby home!!  The thought was overwhelming, though.  We didn't share this news with many people at all.  I didn't even tell my mom until just a couple of weeks ago and my mother in law we told last Sunday night.  We were cautiously optimistic.

When I found out I was pregnant this time I immediately called my doctor and asked him what we can do to make sure I keep this pregnancy.  He referred me to a perinatal group about an hour away from me.  We met with them at 9 weeks.  We had an ultrasound which looked great, met with one of the perinatologists and went over all of my pregnancy history.  She was awesome!  She was very clinical and that's exactly what I needed.  I didn't need someone telling me how sad it was and how sorry they were for my previous losses.  I needed someone who was going to be proactive and help me keep this baby alive.  And I thought she was the one who would do that.

The plan was solid.  She ran many tests to check for clotting factors and other issues.  Everything came back normal so her orders were to continue prenatal vitamins, take extra folic acid and take baby aspirin.  And I did just that.  She wanted to see me again at 15 weeks to do an in-depth ultrasound and make sure baby looked good and was growing well.  (15 weeks was significant because it would be just before I lost the other pregnancies.)

My 15 week appt was Monday, November 12th, just 3 days ago.

We got there at 7:45am.  Waited in agony in the waiting room.  While we were waiting my husband was reading Newsweek magazine.  I was so nervous and literally on the edge of my seat.  I actually remember saying over and over again in my head a prayer to God.  (For those of you who know me, you know I don't pray.  I don't pray because I don't believe in the christian God.  I grew up as a Lutheran, however I walked away from that religion when I learned about science and other religions.)  So there I am, praying to a God I don't believe in.

"Dear God,

I don't know if you're real, but if you are, please do me this one favor.  PLEASE let my baby be alive.  I'm a good person.  I've done good things in my life.  If you can just do this ONE thing for me, please keep my baby alive.
Please."

I said that about 3 or 4 times until the nurse called us back.  We went to the room and got settled.  She explained what she would be doing and all of the measurements she would be taking.  When she got started I saw the screen and immediately put my arm over my eyes.  The baby wasn't moving.  But maybe that was normal?  I peeked through as she looked at the chest.  No movement.  No heart flutters.

Fuck.

Not again.

I put my arm back over my face clinging to hope that I was wrong.  Searching my head for reasons I could be seeing things.  This could not be happening again, right?!

The nurse didn't say a thing the entire time.  So I finally asked the dreaded question.

"Is there a heartbeat?"

Silence.

My eyes welled up with tears.  She said "Here is the chest cavity.  I'm not seeing any fetal heart movement."

I lost it.  This CANNOT be happening to me AGAIN!!!  What did I do?!  What did I do to deserve this?!?!?!  She finished up the measurements and left the room assuring us the doctor would be in to speak with us.

I cried for a bit with my husband but then it stopped and I became numb.  Meh, it happened again.  We are not meant to be more than a family of 4.  I wiped my face and pushed forward.

When the doctor came in she explained what they saw on the ultrasound.  Hydrops in the head and chest.  Fluid, basically.  I guess that's possibly what caused it?  I was already over it.  I asked what was next.  She explained I would need to do the hospital induction and I exclaimed that was not an option this time and I wanted something else.  D&C, D&E, c-section.  I didn't care.  NOT the induction again.

She said she would talk with my primary doctor and figure something out.

We left the clinic empty hearted but still had a baby inside.  A dead baby.  IN my body.

I went shopping.