About Me

My photo
I am modern mom to two wonderful boys. I am married to my childhood sweetheart and love of my life. I am on a journey to wellness in my personal life and for my family as well. Why I Blog: I have found that writing in general is very freeing for me. I enjoy writing and the idea that other people are reading what I'm writing moves me. If even just ONE thing I post touches, moves, or helps another human in ways that I have been touched by bloggers, I am pleased. Blogging is my release. And once it's out there, it's free for anyone and everyone.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Indescribable pain

This is one of the last pictures I have of me being pregnant.  I have plenty of pictures of my pregnancies with Jack and Elliot but I don't have many of my pregnancies that ended early.  I wish that my belly could have gotten bigger; that my baby could have continued to grow.
One of the biggest struggles for me right now is the thought that I won't ever be pregnant again.  I am so grateful that I've had the ability to conceive so easily and that I have 2 beautiful healthy children as a result. I'm just having a hard time accepting the fact that I'm done.  That I'll never be pregnant again; I'll never give birth again.  Never breastfeed another baby.  Never snuggle another baby.  I was supposed to.  My family isn't complete and it never will be.  It's a sad truth that I'm having a hard time coming to terms with.  Josh and I have discussed adoption (prior to getting pregnant with Adley) and I suppose it can still be an option.  I just need time to cope with this first.  I know there are options for us, I just hate that they are not options I would have chosen. 
This all makes me feel so selfish.  I get mad at myself for being upset because some women NEVER get to conceive on their own.  For them, sometimes they only choice is adoption.  That must be so difficult.  So devastating.  I can't even begin to imagine the pain those women feel. 
And that's when I'm brought back down to earth.  We all feel pain.  No ones pain is "worse" or "easier" than anyone else.  We all feel it in different ways; different times in our lives.  I need to allow myself to feel the pain.  To be hurt.  And as Pink says "Just because it's burns doesn't mean you're gonna die. You gotta get up and try."
So I'll let it hurt.  And I'll feel the pain.  And eventually I will get up and try.  When I'm ready,  I'll move from the pain and hurt and figure out what this means for me.  For my life and for my family.

No comments:

Post a Comment