So here I sit, quite literally, empty. And feeling more alone than I have ever felt before.
It's been one week since my baby was taken from my body. Only this time I wasn't awake to give birth. I didn't see my baby. I chose to have a procedure called "D & E". It stands for dilation and evacuation. Whatever you do, DO NOT google it. It's rather gruesome and I regret typing those words into the search bar. The doctor that performed the procedure did talk to me about what it entailed. And I was okay with that. I knew that my baby would not come out whole. I knew what would be happening, but I was NOT willing to endure the hours of labor as I had in the past only to give birth to a baby I didn't even get to take home with me. I've done that before and it was not something I wanted to experience again.
So last Friday I went in for the procedure. Josh came with me and waited for me to come out. I'm gald he was there with me. It was much harder than I expected, emotionally. I went in to the room with a baby in my womb, and came out empty. I knew this would happen, obviously, but I wasn't prepared to feel such a......void.
Physically, the procedure was painless. I mean, I was asleep and drugged up so clearly I wasn't feeling anything. But even afterward, I had minimal pain and very little bleeding. Nothing like the other times when I'd been induced in the hospital.
I have been feeling pretty great, on the outside. But inside I don't feel much of anything. I want to feel something. ANYTHING. I want to be sad and mad and frustrated and quite frankly pissed the fuck off. But I don't feel any of those things. I feel numb. I feel as though everyone has already moved on and forgotten. I think about my babies all day. I want them with me. They are my children and will always be mine. And I'm sad when I think of what happened. But I still don't feel much, if any, real emotions. I want to cry and scream and do all of those things I'm supposed to do, but I keep filling my time with other things.
Avoiding it maybe? Postponing the inevitable? Maybe. But until I start to feel again, I'll just continue to write. And search. And if I come up with something or find my break, you'll be the first to know. Because (insert religious figure here) knows I won't be sharing it out loud with people close to me; people who say they care about me and want to listen, but in reality they're scared that I'll share too much. They're afraid I will talk about it too much and mostly they think I should be over it by now. I mean, it's been over a week since I found out, right? That's plenty of time to greive, no? Nevermind the fact that I wasn't even finished grieving the loss of Adley yet and it's been a year.
But I'll get over it. Until then I'll just feel numb.
- I am modern mom to two wonderful boys. I am married to my childhood sweetheart and love of my life. I am on a journey to wellness in my personal life and for my family as well. Why I Blog: I have found that writing in general is very freeing for me. I enjoy writing and the idea that other people are reading what I'm writing moves me. If even just ONE thing I post touches, moves, or helps another human in ways that I have been touched by bloggers, I am pleased. Blogging is my release. And once it's out there, it's free for anyone and everyone.