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I am modern mom to two wonderful boys. I am married to my childhood sweetheart and love of my life. I am on a journey to wellness in my personal life and for my family as well. Why I Blog: I have found that writing in general is very freeing for me. I enjoy writing and the idea that other people are reading what I'm writing moves me. If even just ONE thing I post touches, moves, or helps another human in ways that I have been touched by bloggers, I am pleased. Blogging is my release. And once it's out there, it's free for anyone and everyone.

Friday, November 23, 2012

November 16th...are you kidding me??

I was referred to an OB who was skilled in performing D & E's.  I met with him on Tuesday November 13th, just one day after we found out that our baby had died inside of me. 

I was so grateful for Dr. Chang.  He gave me all of the information I wanted and needed to make the best decision about how to proceed.  I had already endured labor and delivery of a dead baby TWICE.  I didn't want to do that again and I begged to just have the d&e and get it over with.  Dr. Chang really wanted to make sure I understood the risks involved with this procedure.  I knew what the risks were.  They could break my cervix or perforate my uterus potentially ending my chance at ever having more children.  This was a risk I was willing to take as I know I never want to be pregnant again.  Ever. 

On to the significance of the date.  Dr Chang tells me that he can get me in for the procedure on Friday at 11:30am.  I instantly started crying.  Friday was November 16th.  The exact date, one year ago, that Adley was born.  Are you fucking kidding me?  And not to mention it's the day before my oldest son's birthday.  So every year I get to mourn the loss of two children on the same day and then celebrate the life of my son the following day.  It's just ridiculous to me.  How can this be happening? 

For a few days after hearing of the loss, I kept waking up thinking it was Monday the 12th.  It was as if my mind and heart were not willing to accept that Monday had happened.  I truly felt as though I was waking up still pregnant.  I mean, I WAS pregnant.  But I really hoped my baby was still alive. 
It would take a minute to snap back to reality. 

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