Scared Shi*less

When I found out I was pregnant I was shocked, scared, anxious, excited and any other feelings you can use to describe someone who has no idea what just happened.

Josh and I had always wanted at least 4 children.  I knew that by doing surrogacy I was taking the chance that I might never have any other children of my own, biologically.  And I really was happy with this decision no matter what happened, but I knew there was still a possibility of our own in the future.  I just didn't plan on it happening so soon! 

Since I had just gone through a horrific experience with the surrogacy I was not really prepared or ready to take on what this pregnancy might bring.  But I went ahead and made an appointment with my doctor and confirmed that I was indeed pregnant with a due date of April 29th.  At first I was a little scared but things started to feel okay.  I had the usual symptoms I had previously had with my boys pregnancies.  During a routine 6 week ultrasound, the technician mentioned that I had a SCH (sub-chorionic hemmorhage).  She said it's usually nothing and that my doctor would talk to me about it.  My doctor did call and mention it and said it was very common.  This did not ease my mind.  From that moment on, I just knew I would not be bringing home this baby.

I didn't tell many people about me being pregnant because I just knew that I would have to "untell" them, when it happened.  I made it to 12 weeks just fine, had an appointment and heard a nice strong heartbeat.  My fears were somewhat relieved but not entirely.  I still didn't feel right about it and I just couldn't picture a future with this baby.

When I had my 16 week appointment I was prepared for the worst.  16 weeks is when I lost the previous baby, the surrobabe.  I hopped up on the table and awaited the sound on the doppler and much to my surprise THERE IT WAS!  The beautiful sound of his heart beating.  My mind eased some more and I started to think maybe it really WAS all in my head and I WOULD be bringing home a baby!